by Jean MacKenzie
I recently had a week where my husband was very busy at work and as a
result was working late a lot. The problem for me was that, with four
kids, when my husbands work load increases, so does mine. With my
husband unable to help out as much as he usually would I quickly
slipped into “poor me” mode and found myself having thoughts about how
terrible it was that I had to take on all these extra burdens.
These thoughts led me to have increasingly angry feelings towards my
husband until I was attributing all the woes of my life to him.
Luckily I was able to snap out of it before he came home from work
that night.
The point I am trying to make is that it is very easy to slip into
blaming your spouse for every angry feeling you experience. Therefore
it is important that you be able to distinguish between appropriate
anger and excessive or misdirected anger.
Appropriate anger, when dealt with effectively can be healthy for your
relationship, helping you to grow in your understanding of each other.
Excessive or misdirected anger is when the anger expressed is
disproportionate to the situation. In other words the person to whom
the anger is expressed is usually standing there wondering, “What did
I do to deserve that outburst?”
In my case the source of my anger had to do with my discontent with
the situation I found myself in and my husband didn’t have much
control over that situation. When I was able to look at the situation
rationally we were able to work out appropriate solutions to us both
being overworked.
Just as one can misdirect anger resulting from a present situation or
person, one may also take out anger from a past hurt on people in the
present. Many people have deep hurts from their past and if he or she
has not worked to resolve the related feelings of anger these emotions
can interfere with current relationships, especially those of an
intimate nature. The most common sources of anger that spouses bring
into their marriage are related to experiences of being hurt by
parents, abused, emotionally wounded in a dating relationship, or
divorced. If one is not aware of harbouring anger from the past he or
she may dump angry feelings on a spouse in response to a relatively
minor infraction. Such excessive anger can be lethal to a
relationship. If you or your spouse frequently express an exaggerated
amount of anger then it is important that you determine the source of
the anger and work to resolve the hurts that lead to these emotions by
forgiving those who have hurt you in the past. The task of forgiving
can be extremely difficult when the wounds you experience are
profound. If you have deep hurts to overcome I encourage you to seek
the help of a trusted professional. Remember however that forgiveness
is a gift you give yourself. And, if you are in an intimate
relationship with someone then it will be a gift to your relationship
as well.
Jean is a marriage and couples counsellor whose approach in working
with couples involves the development of techniques for solving
current problems and achieving unending growth in
relationships.
Jean sees clients in her office in Fredericton, NB and offers
telephone and online counselling. Visit her site at:
http://www.jeanmackenzie.com
